Sometimes
by naleys
Summary: Bonnie sometimes thought about what would happen if she just gave up.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own this blah blah blah insert witty comment about what would happen if I did here.

**A/N:** This was initially a sort of self-para thing that wasn't meant to be put up here, but I thought I might as well since quite a lot of the stuff I post here seems to stem from that anyway. This is just very short, feelsy and me reflecting on Bonnie's character I guess. It doesn't really have a plotline. Anyway, enough of me going on, enjoy.

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Bonnie sometimes thought about what would happen if she just gave up. If she decided she'd had enough, that she couldn't just be at her friends beck and call any more.

Sometimes the thought was appealing to her, being her own person for once, but most of the time it made her sick to the stomach.

She thought about Elena, Elena who she'd known since she was so young, who was practically her sister, with her china doll appearance and her fragility. Elena and her constant confusion surrounding the Salvatore brothers, her ability to get herself into more life or death situations than Bonnie cared to think about.

Her brother, Jeremy, who despite all his faults and all his messed up feelings and open ended decisions had cared for her. Jeremy, who'd she watched die too many times, who she'd held in her arms and begged for his life. What would happen to them if she just went away?

Caroline. The perky blonde who was there for Bonnie no matter what, who had never put her own life and the things that seemed to go wrong in it before her friend. Bonnie had had to work so hard to get over her friends transition into a vampire, but it had brought them closer, and she loved her more now. If she got hurt and Bonnie could have helped she would never have forgiven herself. Never.

Then there was Damon, sometimes Bonnie hated him. Hated him and his way of strolling through their lives and messing things up, of playing with Elena's feelings and leaving her more broken and confused each time… but there was a side to him she had caught rare glimpses of, a vulnerable side that he hid so well, but she knew was there. She saw how he cared for her friend, saw it before Elena had even cottoned on, and she saw how it had hurt him, every loving gesture Elena had made towards Stefan, and she had felt pain for him, seeing it so clearly etched onto his face in the moments where he couldn't hide it.

Of course there was also Stefan himself, he made no secret of the love he felt for Elena, but sometimes Bonnie wished he wouldn't be such a pushover about it. At least he wanted for Elena to be happy though, and he was a good man, a good vampire. Bonnie trusted him. Although sometime she felt like she was just a pet witch to both of the brothers, sitting in her cage ready to be released when Elena was in danger.

It wasn't that she minded helping Elena. She would do so much for that girl. After losing so many people and being through so much all she wanted was to protect her friend from any more pain… but it felt like every time Bonnie helped there was always something that came back to her.

She had lost her Grams twice over because of vampires and magic and spells she was only performing to help her friends. Her mother had become a vampire to save Elena – Abby had never quite managed to deal with the transition, the loss of her powers, it had resulted in her mother leaving her again so soon after she had come back into her life. She had had to deal with losing her powers, no matter how long it had been for, losing Jeremy to a girl who wasn't even alive any more. Sometimes she just wanted it to be over, she wanted out.

Then there was Klaus, who knew so easily how to get her to do what he wanted. The simplest of threats against one of the people she loved and she was his witch shaped puppet, ready to cast whatever spell he needed, to drain herself, to work her powers until it hurt so she could protect everyone else. Even though sometimes what she was doing put them in even more danger, and even then she was there after the deed was done to right whatever wrong she'd been forced into, to protect them, to make sure there were no fatalities.

Even then, they seemed to always lose someone in the crossfire, and Bonnie felt personally responsible for each one, the guilt ripping through her system and devastating her every time no matter who they lost, no matter how many times she dealt with the same feelings of grief and responsibility. Still, she always puts herself back together again in time to help her friends again and sets out even more determined in time to stop it from happening again if she can.

Bonnie sometimes thought about what would happen if she just gave up. If she decided she'd had enough, that she couldn't just be at her friends beck and call any more. But she hadn't caved to her fantasies yet, and as long as she loved her friends the way she did, she knew that she wasn't going to any time soon


End file.
